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Prenatal birthing class disaster

October 5, 2009

classI honestly thought our “Preparing for Childbirth” class at the hospital would be like this picture. I mean, the pamphlet did tell us to bring a pillow and blanket.

Turns out the pamphlet is outdated and the pillow and blanket weren’t necessary. Also turns out the birthing class was a bit ridiculous.

It was a 2-hr lecture (sore butt!) with a nurse who told stories about her friends that were supposed to be funny, but didn’t even get courtesy laughs. Maybe I’ve already read all that I can about childbirth, but I didn’t learn a thing. We were told things such as, “This catheter cord is red. But during labor you’ll get one that’s not red, it’s brown. Well, a brownish tan.” Really? Thank you, I feel so prepared now. I would have freaked if I saw red tube. Right?!

Yep, to me this picture describes a bit better how the class went… a joke, but not a funny one. class2

Ok, let’s set the scene… there were 3 other couples there. Two were older (in their 30’s?) and one looked about 17 and was there with her boyfriend and her dad. She was the one to bring the laughs.

The nurse was talking about what door or elevator to use when coming to the hospital and it mattered whether it was for a visit, after 8:30pm, if you were in labor, etc. (blahblahblah).

17 year old: What if I’m in labor and I come to the hospital in an ambulance?

Nurse: *blank stare* ummm, well… you won’t. But if you actually do, umm… they’d take you in were you need to be.

Next, the nurse was talking about doing kegels. The girl asked what they were or how to do them. Her dad answered the question for her. Awkward?

Then, the nurse talked about a baby being posterior (head down, but facing the front instead of the back). She mentioned that some doctor’s do a great job at getting in there and turning the baby.

The girl asked: does the doctor just turn the head? or the whole body? Again, she got a few seconds of a blank stare from the nurse. But then the nurse tried to be as nice as possible, telling the girl that it was a good question.

And now for the one I accidentally laughed out loud at. The nurse was talking about your water breaking. The girl asked………..

“If my water breaks at home, should I put pants on before coming to the hospital?”

Yes, I laughed out loud. Are you  kidding me!? ANOTHER blank stare from the nurse, so the girl continued on- “ya know, in case of infection or something?” And the nurse replied, “oh, well, no, you’re going to want to put pants on.”

No, hun, come in your underwear. Or naked. Please.

We do still have 2 more classes to attend (because sadly, we paid $50 for this). Let’s hope the next 2 are more interesting??? And why does it seem everyone else has FUN classes? Let’s hear some more bad stories, k?

Oh, we also signed up (and paid another $25) for a “Newborn Care” class, but I believe that one will be better. 1) because it just HAS to be. and 2) because we have done barely any reading about that, so we should actually learn something. It’s in 2 weeks (a one-night class). I’ll let you know.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. October 5, 2009 5:41 pm

    Our classes are brilliant. Really funny, we’ve learned loads (and the boys have been taught to massage us girls) – everyone is due within 3 weeks or so of each other, there’s 8 couples and we like them all. However our ‘teacher’ has come out with a few corkers, to which we have all laughed out loud….

    During the first session, she was talking about discharge and asked us all how ours was. She was met with silence!

    When asked by one of the guys when we would know we were in labour, she said there would be “pooing and mooing” – this cracked us up and has been our class mantra pretty much.

    The other one which made me spit my coffee out was when she said to help us get in to labour, the men should “saturate your cervix with semen” …. again we all cracked up.

    We have been doing the class for weeks now, this week is our last session 😦

  2. October 5, 2009 5:44 pm

    oh wow. it’s a good thing i wasn’t in that class…you know how good i am at keeping my mouth shut around idiot high schoolers 😛 hope it gets more useful soon!!

  3. October 5, 2009 8:28 pm

    This made me LOL for a good 2 mins straight and then call my hubby in to hear! Thanks for that.

  4. October 5, 2009 11:35 pm

    Wow. Just wow. And that is why 17-year-olds shouldn’t have babies. But that’s a subject for another day! I’ve gotta say, you’re not selling me on taking a class at the hospital. I’ve actually heard from other people that it’s a good idea to take a class somewhere besides the hospital. I’ve still got a while to decide, so we’ll see what happens! Good luck with the rest of your classes!

  5. Kim permalink
    October 6, 2009 11:12 am

    Sorry your first class was such a dud. We did ours in one all-Saturday session. Most of it was stuff I already knew, but my husband learned a lot. We also took a newborn care class and a breastfeeding class. I did learn some things, and they were much shorter, so hopefully you will get more out of them.

    Also, we did do some breathing practice at the very end of our class, so maybe in your last session you will use the blanket and pillows.

  6. October 6, 2009 10:00 pm

    I’ve heard nothing good about the classes…but my wife signed us up for some…hmm.

    The teenager thing is hilarious…makes me think of the show 16 and pregnant. They run the gamut. Some were complete fools while some were super smart, but I suppose that’s any age group.

  7. October 7, 2009 1:50 am

    LOL! This was great…I thought I was the only one with a ridiculous birthing class time, but glad to see I’m not.
    We signed up for it, because, well..it’s the thing to do (?!) when you’re pregnant! We’d signed up for three 3-hr classes instead of going for 6 wks or whatever. I wasn’t big on it to begin with, because I come from a big fam, had been taking care of babies & reading up on the whole subject of pregnancy for years, & was sure I wasn’t going to learn anything new.
    There were about 8 other couples there–all with their blankets & pillows! By the time we got passed the gross “discharge” stuff, & were to watch the video of the heavily make-up-ed woman having her baby (gross), I was convinced none of the other women in there had ever even read about being pregnant due to the questions they asked!
    But the kicker was when we finally did sit down to ‘relax’ & learn to breathe (which had me smirking the whole time), with our hubby’s behind us. The 2 instructors went into this new-age-type relaxation thing where we were supposed to close our eyes, & envision ourselves at the ocean, then IN the ocean, where our baby was (apparently he is a fish), swimming around. We got to “hang” out with him till it was time to say goodbye to our baby, & float away…it was so ridiculous…The computer voice telling us “Now say goodbye to your baby as it floats away” sounded like something out of a creepy sci-fi movie! And the music was terrible too.
    All in all, I couldn’t keep my eyes closed OR from laughing. The instructors were def. a bit hippie!

  8. Rachel permalink
    October 7, 2009 4:22 pm

    So sorry to hear you had a dud birthing class… but rest assured you’re not the only one! When I was preggo with my son we had booked a set of 4 classes. The first week there were about 10 couples, and the nurse “explained” labour to us by pushing a plastic doll through the sleeve of her cardigan – and told us all about the different tpes of pain relief we could have, paying particular attention to how sick each one would make us feel!
    Funnily enough, on the second week only about 4 of the couples bothered to come back – and then wished they hadn’t, as all we did was watch really old videos of women giving birth. The big 70’s hair-do’s were quite entertaining, but apart from that all I learned was that the hospital has the most uncomfortable chairs in all the world!
    Hope your class improves next time, I start mine for this baby next week – fingers crossed they’ve improved in 3 years! :0)

  9. October 8, 2009 10:35 am

    OMG, I am laughing so hard right now at “Should I put pants on?” That is too funny. I had no idea that these classes could be so…interesting. 🙂

  10. Colleen permalink
    October 14, 2009 12:30 pm

    Dude, for real i just don’t understand how i got pregnant (she should have just said that) WOW i have a bad feeling about that couple being parents… just what this world needs.. i’m SUPER glad i wasn’t there and omg… i would’ve laughed at her long before you did… lol… but that was a good time to begin laughing… WOW!!!! lol… Some people just shouldn’t have children or be allowed to!!!!

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